The Big Pushover

     

No, I don't want to lend you money.

        You know the kind of people that have no problem speaking their minds? They confront others, complain, refuse, send food back... They are not rude, but they will not put up with other people's bullshit.

Yeah. 

That's not me. 

I have kids, so I'm assertive when it comes to them. I can be firm with the two of them when I need to, and I'll somehow find the strength to defend their interests if necessary.

I also don't have any issues standing up for myself in relationships. I swear I don't know how this works. It's easy for me to be myself around the one person that I hope to be with indefinitely, but I am somehow worried about what strangers will think of me. Or if they will like me or not. All I know it that the tiny bug of social anxiety crawls in through my ear and starts eating at my brain and I don't know how to stop it.

This is the story of how I lost my shit one day.

I was going home from work. My kids had left school half an hour earlier and they were supposed to meet me at the bus stop. Victoria and Maia were twelve and ten, respectively. I called them when I left the station, so they would have time to walk there and I wouldn't even have to get off the bus.

I got to the bus stop, no sign of them. It was weird. From the convenience store where they were supposed to be waiting for me to the bus stop, it was a... what? One minute walk? I got off the bus and looked around. There they were, waiting for the green light to cross back. They had gone to the stop on the other side of the road.

I was... Well, I was upset. They didn’t do it on purpose, of course. But I assumed they would know at that point which bus stop to go to. They knew which way our house was! Certainly the right bus stop wasn't the one across the road. The traffic there was going right and our house was to the left!

But what really made me mad was that they told me they had gone to a friend’s house after school. We had agreed they would wait for me at 7-Eleven. I had no idea who this kid was, or where they lived, or who else lived with them.

The very unfortunate girls had to put up with me lecturing them the whole time we were waiting for the next bus.

It finally came.

We got on and sat down, and I was still going on about everything that was wrong with what they did. They just sat there and listened. When I remember this now, I just want to give them a big hug. Kids are just so great. They humbly admit their mistakes and put up with our rants.

I forgot to mention that I was talking to them in Portuguese the whole time. Because that's the language that we speak at home, but also because I don't like to tell them off in English when we are in public. I feel like that would expose them and that's not cool.

There I was, talking about the dangers of going inside someone's house without your parents knowing where you are, when this very Caucasian lady in front of us started mumbling to herself.

I paid her no mind at first, but I eventually started to make out some of her words and they were "... fucking English... This is Australia, mate. We speak English here."

I don't know what came over me. I shifted my attention to her, and started scolding her instead of the kids.

"I'm sorry, do you want to be part of this conversation?"

"... What..?"

The lady clearly did not expect me to use my mommy voice on her. Her face looked pale and her mouth was slightly open, like she had just been tapped by a fly swat.

        "Do you want to have a say in this?" I said, leaning forward. I could tell my face was red because it felt hot, and there was a vein pulsing on my forehead. "We were here talking to each other, but we can speak in English if you'd like to feel included!"

She said "No, no" in a small voice, while shuffling in her seat. The next stop was at the University and I'm pretty sure that wasn't her stop, but she got off the bus. I could hear her mumbling "Australia, mate" on her way out.

I took a big breath and then it dawned on me. I had just yelled at a complete stranger, before I could stop it.

"MOM? What the heck was that?" Victoria's eyes were almost jumping out of their sockets. I could tell it wasn't just the shock, though. She was a thrilled. "That was kind of cool."

"Yeah, she was rude! It was none of her business, anyway." Maia has the shortest temper in the whole house and is definitely never gonna have the kind of confrontation problem I have to deal with.

We got home and they ran to tell my partner about it. It was like they had just seen a car crash where no one got hurt.

(Of course. They are not sadistic.)

Was that a turning point for me? Hmm. There are days and days. I've been answering phone calls from unknown numbers and telling them that no, I don't want to change my electricity provider. I told somebody that was walking very slowly down the escalator, to move aside because I had to catch the train. So... Some progress?

One day, I'll be able to look at someone in the face and tell them calmly that something is bothering me. My heart will not start pounding and I will not forget the words I want to use.

Until then…

I guess I'll have to write them an email.